Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Charles Cooley: A Letter to Santa

Dear Santa;
It’s that time of year. I have been as good as I know how. I contributed to both parties and helped to disseminate scandal about the enemies of both of them. I have lined the roadsides and covered my lawn with candidates’ signs whether they were Republicans or Democrats. I even did what I could for an Independent or two.
Here’s what I want this year. Please balance the budget, find me a job, and give my regards to every member of Congress. Don’t let them touch Social Security or Medicare unless they want to give me something extra. Tell them that if taxes aren’t reduced they will get a lump of coal in their stockings. If you see anybody getting something I don’t get take it away from them. The $300 I got from the gov’t (or was it $600) was very nice but it’s gone now and I need some more. I know there’s a lot of rot about how everybody must sacrifice if the budget gets balanced, but, seriously, does that mean me too? Haven’t I sacrificed enough already? I went to all the trouble to fill out forms for a mortgage to buy a house while I was on welfare and then some bank I never heard of said they were foreclosing. What more can I give up? I need my snowmobile and flat screen TV. (Thank Congress for them, by the way.)
About that job. I’m not planning to live in poverty, you know. I can’t really afford to work for less than 75 grand a year tax free. I hope it comes with benefits, too. A place to live and a meal allowance and two pairs of work shoes a year will really make it worthwhile. That and my Social Security benefit will get me by, I think. I’m 67 years old so it shouldn’t be full time and, oh yes, I’ll need a car. Isn’t gas awful, though? Makes me envy you with the reindeer.

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